Junior Inquisitor

Junior Inquisitor

Monday, May 8, 2017

So I need a kilt


Way back in the dawn of time some Civil Affairs soldier (my branch in the Army) officially registered a tartan, the pattern on a kilt.
The Civil Affairs Tartan
As a Scot and a Civil Affairs officer, I was intrigued. I contacted the kilt maker and found out the Civil Affairs tartan is a special order, and will cost ~ 800 dollars.
See how long that smile lasts after you spend 800 dollars
Knowing that the lovely Dr. Farish would stab me for dropping 800 bucks on an outfit that is still not an official uniform. Never mind the fact that I'd wear to terrorize the neighborhood and possibly even the US capital, I had some thinking to do.
Being brilliant like most CA Bubbas, I quickly figured out if I had a sale on Junior Inquisitor, and explained why, I’d have no problem in obtaining the money for my kilt.
Actual Ad

 
Which brings us to today, and this post. Go buy Junior Inquisitor, save a buck, and help me go from sexy to dead sexy.

Junior Inquisitor Book One  

 
 

Thursday, March 30, 2017

A short post about a short story


Looks like spring is almost here. The porch is almost complete, thank you all who bought my books and made this possible. Little girls are out on it almost every night as am I. The Horror Novel with No Name continues. There was a little problem with the lab, and then everyone’s off to the final showdown, which I promise will be a mix of John Woo and The Red Wedding.

Now if I could just figure out a way to throw in the phrase “Blood for the Blood god.” Oh well, best to not mix genres I suppose. Here’s a bit for you to enjoy. Again, remember this is first draft stuff, may not make it into the final version, and will have been edited (by a professional who makes money editing) multiple times.

The brass coupling ‘clunked’ against the hood. Doctor Fitzroy held it fast pushing hard. The crystal shivered and then flowed around the end encasing it, like a fitting. With a nod and a quick tug to make sure the connecting was solid Doctor Fitzroy said, “ready.”

Doctor Simmons was madly typing away on the tablet, fingers smashing into it in a blur, “I’ve got interference,” he said. “Go manual.”

Parts of the boxes had melted and the red glow intensified.

Again, Doctor Fitzroy zipped across the room to where the hose connected to the wall. He turned a lever and said, “it’s on, stand clear.” His hand hovered over a large red button on the wall.

The red glow had intensified and the hood was bulging under the strain.

The hose whipped like an angry snake and carbon black fluid gushed onto the table. It started to fill the hood and lifted the boxes up until they were floating and bumping against the far side.

“Do it,” said Doctor Simmons looking like his puppy had just run away.


Michael Blackbourn likes his stories short, his concepts deep, and his narrators unreliable. I rather enjoyed Roko’s Basilisk.
Amazon - Rokos Basilisk
My only complaint was the story went by quickly. I wanted MORE. Without being all spoilery let me just ask you a few questions. Can you have a happy prosperous government that is not legitimate, i.e. tyrannical rule, one that is not elected or selected via input of the populace?

The threat of violence for failing to pay a fine or keep a secret, is extortion when done by an individual or a group, but is 'legitimate' when done by a government bureaucrat; what’s the difference?

Are apocalyptic zealots looking to be correct in their prediction, or are they looking for more people to convert?

Amazon - Rokos Basilisk
 
One hell of a book for just 25 pages. I will be reading more, and soon.





At the moment, the book is free, so I suggest you grab your copy today.
Feeling a bit stalkery-  https://twitter.com/mikeblackbourn

 
That’s it for me this week it’s a short post about a short story.
 

Ears burning?
Demons whispering madness?
Block the crazy with Junior Inquisitor, now an audio book
Junior Inquisitor Audible

Want to read in the old fashioned way?
Click on the links and enjoy.
FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!
Get it free here - Goth Witch of Philly
 
Junior Inquisitor Book One  


  
Soulless Monk Book Two  
 Smashwords - https://goo.gl/NXw3Gr
Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/5lCyaX
 
The Witch’s Lair Book Three 
Smashwords - https://goo.gl/MokJnC 
 Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/mJtTf8 
 
The Vampire of Rome Book Four
 
 

Thursday, March 23, 2017

Your Literary Posse


Sorry for the delayed post everyone, but trust me I think you’ll be fine with the hold-up. The Horror Novel with No Name chugs along, here’s a bit for you (please remember this is first draft, not even edited by me, let alone some who knows how to edit and gets paid to do so) -

“You seem to be here all by yourself Marshall,” Corporal Devins said his voice full of doubt.
“My partner and one other US Marshall will be here shortly.”
“So you wouldn’t object to us looking around making sure everything’s quiet.”
“This is a Federal operation, so what you need to do is leave,” I said crossing my arms. It looked defensive, but it meant my hand was almost touching my pistol. Cinci PD had not been chummy last time we met. Officer Massy was watching me intently ready to follow his partner’s lead. His hand was still on his pistol.
“I’m going to have to call this in,” said Devins.
“Feel free to do so. In your car. Away from here.”

Your Literary Posse
If you are like most Indie Authors you are looking forward to that day when you go - LEGIT. That glorious day when you are so successful as an author, it is your primary occupation. When movie deals are discussed, groupies swoon in your presence, lesser literary mortals weep with envy as you stride past, and, most importantly, your posse is formed and theme music chosen.

Difficult questions that have plagued authors since the days of Cervantes. Before you start to quake in terror at the possibilities, let me illustrate what other authors are doing. Perhaps that will help you decide.

Remember if you are thinking of throwing down to steal another author’s literary mojo, you must go through their posse first. If you are successful, you may be able to have a one on one duel with the boss.

Emersen Lee - Theme - Work Bitch by Brittney Spears https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pt8VYOfr8To

As Emersen is a noted kickboxer, she would be accompanied by overly oiled men who are ready to rumble. Rumor has it this is the least of her mini-bosses.

Find out more here - https://emersenlee.wordpress.com/

Emily Kaplan – Theme - WTF by Missy Elliot

Emily will occasionally teach an aerobics class, and you might laugh thinking, “Sweating to the oldies.” In reality, what you have instead, is a large group of highly energetic protectors who will wear you down into a quivering pool of sweat before taunting you with, “Just five more.” Yes, they will be laughing at you.

Find out more here - http://justtheemwords.com/

R.L. King - Theme - Sentinel by VNV Nation

A prolific author, not much is known about R.L. King other than she is LEGIT, and deservedly so. I have reviewed her books and Magus Stone multiple times here, and here. Given her choice in theme music and her magical using Main Character, I propose her posse would be dressed thusly.

Go ahead, tell her you think her book deserved a one star. Hope your will is updated.
Find out more here - http://rlkingwriting.com/
 

Janey Mack - Theme - Sunny by Bobby Hebb

Classic music for a classic lady. Her posse will be dressed in vintage Rat Pack style. While we may not think much of clean lines and a well-tailored suit, remember these are the guys that used to bayonet Nazis on several continents before hanging out with the Mafia in Vegas. Show respect or prepared to take a long ride into the desert.

Find out more here -  http://www.janeymack.com/

Lucian - Theme - Don't take me for granted by Social Distortion

Lucian also keeps quiet about his appearance. However, rumor has it he lives in one of those lumber-jack-almost-Canada states. Thusly, I propose he'd favor a flannel based style for his Posse.


Adam Dreece - Theme - Heathens by Twenty One Pilots

Being a sophisticated man with a classical education, polished manners, an affinity for Dapper Dan products and a saber that thirsts for the blood. Adam adopts a more classic style for his posse. Again, well dressed and well-mannered does not mean weak. His smile might turn from ‘Happy to meet you,’ to ‘Let’s kill Batman’ in the blink of an eye if you are foolish.

Find out more here - http://adamdreece.com/

Rick Gualtieri - Theme - Paranoid by Black Sabbath

Like most LEGIT authors, Rick is an incredibly decent person. However due to his size, both physically and literary, when Rick enters a room conversation stops. After all he is rocking the Lex Luther look and doing so with style. His posse, rumored to be journeymen authors, are dressed for battle and ready to throw down. Be respectful.

Find out more here - http://rickgualtieri.com/

What about me you ask?

Well I’m not LEGIT, yet, but if I was -

My theme – Lone Digger by Caravan Palace

While it's true I look damn good in a kilt, and make women swoon in my uniform, I look ever better in a suit. If I ever get to the lofty level of LEGIT, my posse will be a modern incarnation of the Rat Pack. Dressed thusly and with my particular theme music no one will be sure if I there for a dance off or a broken-bottle barroom brawl. Both are likely.
There you go. Fine authors, decent people, and dangerous to mess with. You’ve been warned.
 
Want to know more about me via my works?
Ears burning?
Demons whispering madness?
Block the crazy with Junior Inquisitor, now an audio book
Junior Inquisitor Audible
Want to read in the old fashioned way?
Click on the links and enjoy.
FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!
Get it free here - Goth Witch of Philly
 
Junior Inquisitor Book One  


  
Soulless Monk Book Two  
 Smashwords - https://goo.gl/NXw3Gr
Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/5lCyaX
 
The Witch’s Lair Book Three 
Smashwords - https://goo.gl/MokJnC 
 Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/mJtTf8 
 
The Vampire of Rome Book Four
 
 
 
 
 
 

Sunday, March 12, 2017

Literary Swordsmanship


Howdy everyone, I hope this crazy weather has at least amused you. I recently got to enjoy some ‘mandatory fun’ as we call in in the military aka a family vacation. Despite colds, coughs, and runny noses, the family and In-laws went down to Great Wolf Lodge in Williamsburg VA. Much fun was had. Little Girl learned how to howl and the proper way to ambush prey.
 
Why can't I wear my ears to swim?
Hungry Like The Wolf
The unnamed horror novel continues to chug along, I expect in another month or so to wrap up the first draft. Then comes the pain, editing.
 
Literary Swordsmanship
Steve Wetherell wrote one of the best blog posts I have read to date on what it takes to be a success as an Indie Author. Feel free to check it out, https://www.undergroundbookreviews.org/the-seven-vital-virtues-of-indie-author-success/
and then take his points to heart, before you take a point to the heart. Don’t believe literary duels happen? Feel free to check into the death of Christopher Marlowe. Chris was a literary bad-ass, but no match for Bubonic Bill. There’s a reason we read Shakespeare 400 years after his death.

It's true, in darkened, rain-soaked alleys, behind hotels hosting various conventions, authors fight to the death to absorb each other’s literary powers. These duels, known by all but rarely discussed occur almost every weekend. The victor fights their way up the ladder of success until they leave behind the blood-soaked arena of Indie authordom and goes legit.

Suddenly contracts appear, movie deals are discussed, and groupies gush. Those left behind gnash their teeth, sharpen their weapons, and look for their opportunity to ascend. Which is why legit authors get a posse.
Stephen King and Posse, 1985
Who should you monitor, what will they use to rend your body and steal your literary mojo? Keep reading my friends, keep reading.

Emersen Lee, the Booted Bandit, is adorable sized, at 61 inches.
Smile = Death is coming
Do not, however, let her diminutive size, fool you. A vicious kick- boxer, and mistress of the Kris blades, she will give you an impish smile as she slides them between your ribs and drains you of literary talent. Read her book and her WIPs to gain understanding of how to avoid the Smiling Imp of Death - https://emersenlee.wordpress.com/

Emily Kaplan, the Terror of Illinois, also hovers at the ‘just over five-foot’ mark.
Don't make me angry. You wouldn't like me when I'm angry
Formerly a frequently user of the blowgun of death, Emily has recently changed things up, and become - enhanced. When angry or outraged, a startling metamorphosis occurs, the creature is driven by rage, and has been known to flip cars, pummel 70s street gangs, and make nosy investigative journalists fly.
Now Emily uses a chopping cleaver to slice and dice her prey. Approach with extreme caution and only in a non-threatening manner. Complementing her on her books (found here along with a blog and t-shirts) - http://justtheemwords.com/
may prevent you from being gored on her tusks as she screams “Waaagh!” while tearing you limb from limb.

Laurie Vincent, Deadly Red,
I'll will go DEVO on you.
like most redheads, and all cats, likes to toy with her food. In this case, she packs a one-two combination that has devastated many authors. Renown for her whip work, Laurie, wears down her opponent with a ten foot bull whip, until he or she is a quivering mound of flesh. Daintily, she stalks closer to the soon to be former author, and slides in a stiletto for the kill. Sad fact of life, most of you can’t handle a redhead and the tale of Laurie should only reinforce that truth. Still if you’re foolish enough to seek a challenge, go here to learn what you need to know- https://www.amazon.com/Laurie-Vincent/e/B00L0CMB7C/ref=sr_ntt_srch_lnk_1?qid=1406992026&sr=8-1
Laurie’ll make you laugh, weep, shout for joy and then with a swift stab take it all away from you.

 

Adam Dreece, The Man Who Purged Dundas Harbor, is a Canadian.
Try not to bleed on me as you die, eh?
Like all Canadians, including my cousins, he loves Cricket, and a polite literary exsanguination, with a spot of tea. Well trained in the use of a sabre, Adam has cut down many a foolish upstart author. All with a polite yawn, and perhaps a helpful criticism or two. Being the consummate gentleman that he is, he not only has a website where you can begin to stalk him, but his books are prominently featured as well. It is recommended you read everything he has written before you drop a challenge. Also, get your will in order  -  http://adamdreece.com/

 
Janey Mack, The Irish Terror of Arizona, is smart, fast, and has a dazzling smile of death.
Oh honey, you're too pretty to die today.
As you can guess, Janey likes to use a rapier, and talks smack to her opponents. As fast as her blade is, it is rumored that she has slain just as many with her sharp tongue, Oscar Wilde style. If you’re feeling daring, Janey’s contributions to literary excellence can be found here -  http://www.janeymack.com/
Further warning, she’s gone legit, she’s got mad skills and won’t hesitate to draw blood.

 
Ken Lange, Mr. Silent but Deadly, the Stench of Orleans,
Go away kid, you're bothering me
prefers a straight bladed katana to dispatch the annoying. Solitary, fierce, grumpy, and not afraid to lay a smack down on fools, Ken prefers the One Clean Cut of Death, which involves removing the liver via the left eye socket. If you dare, book, t-shirts and information can be found here, just hang on to your liver - https://www.kenlangeauthor.com/
 

Rick Gualtieri, The Jersey Devil,
So damn hot my hair melted!
was once a dual-hatted author/ regular job holder, but thanks to his prodigious work, and sublime sword skills, he now holds the master rank of AUTHOR. Always ready with a smile, and snarky joke, Rick uses a Bastard sword, not because it’s best tool available, but because he gets to say “Bastard” a lot. If you’re dumb enough to face him, expect to hear about your lack of sexual prowess, several negative comparisons to sexual reproductive organs, scatological references, and ultimately laughter as you bleed out. Gather information, and read his books by going here -
http://rickgualtieri.com/
Gird your loins, death awaits those who are underprepared.

 
Wrap-up
And there you have it a short reference to those who have made it, and those on the way up. Why some are destined for literary greatness, and others to the bargain bin of the dollar store. Let us not forget that swordsmanship by itself will not get you that three movie deal, one must also be able to string together sentences and tell a tale that amazes. That’s takes work and inspiration. Lastly, hire an editor!

What’s that?

What do I use when dueling?

Growing up I had to learn to use both hands for certain jobs. I do have a wild and uninhibited streak. I’ve been known to wear naught but a kilt and gas mask for casual Friday (pro tip: don’t do that, HR gets all kinds of stupid). My mad skills allowed me to tame a wild redhead. Put that all together along with my sanguis nature and I use a SOG tomahawk in one hand and a Bowie knife in the other. You've been warned.
 
 
Want to know more about me via my works?
Ears burning?
Demons whispering madness?
Block the crazy with Junior Inquisitor, now an audio book
Junior Inquisitor Audible
Want to read in the old fashioned way?
Click on the links and enjoy.
FREE! FREE! FREE! FREE!
Get it free here - Goth Witch of Philly
 
Junior Inquisitor Book One  


  
Soulless Monk Book Two  
 Smashwords - https://goo.gl/NXw3Gr
Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/5lCyaX
 
The Witch’s Lair Book Three 
Smashwords - https://goo.gl/MokJnC 
 Inquisitor Series - http://goo.gl/mJtTf8 
 
The Vampire of Rome Book Four